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What I wish I'd said...Should have said while he was still with us...

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To:      Bad Bob
From:  Evil Ed
Re:  Unauthorized Departure
 
Bro,

I owe us both a sincere and heart-felt apology.  It's gonna take me a long time to get past being pissed at myself for not getting up off my fat, lazy ass and coming up to see you.
 
I've been missing the hell out of you, and now, I've missed you completely.  I'm so damn sorry, Bro...Sorry I wasn't there for you like you always were for me.  When I lost my family, you were there, like a rock.  When I'd get depressed and lay on my couch just wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning for two or three days, suddenly, there you were!  Hollering "get the fuck up, Evil!  The Goodwill boxes are overfilled, and they need our help!"  In no time at all, I was up and rolling, and there we were..."Hopelessly lost, but making good time!"...Somehow, you always seemed to show up, out of the blue, just when I was on the edge of drowning in self-pity...over and over again. 
...Thank you, Bro...
 
And then, when my Pappy died, I was dead-broke, out of gas, been up for three or four days, looking and feeling like I'd been up for a week.  You took me home, found me some clean clothes, made me eat a bite or two, gave me fifty dollars and said, "Now, damnit, Evil...
Go on down and take care of your Mama, help her through this."
...Thank you, Bro...
 
And then when my mama got sick and I had to move south to take care of her, you helped me haul my shit down there, helped me with getting my business here taken care of, ansd helped me get things there set up to take care of her.
...Thank you, Bro...
 
Then when mama was better and my son and I decided to move further south, you helped me move my shit again, and get situated down there.  And eventually, you moved down there too.  Then when Mama got sick again, and we moved her on down south with us, you were right there all the way helping, and helped me get her set up in an apartment.  And when we got busted in Beaverton, all through that long damn year, you took the "long-shot" with me instead of the plea bargain.  All that sorry bullshit, the monthly trips up there for court and to see the lawyers, and through it all, we stood tall...back to back in the face of a grand jury with iron-clad evidence...We kept the faith, kept our promise to each other, and won the day!  Bro, I honestly don't know if there is anybody else on this earth I'd be able to trust so totally and completely through all that shit, and I hope I never have to find out...
...Thank you, Bro...
 
Then when my mama died, through all the heartache and misery that brought on, you were right there again.  Keeping me moving ahead, helping me keep my ass and my head together.
...Thank you, Bro...
 
Then when my brother locked horns with the devil's own whiskey bottle and he and I couldn't even carry on a decent conversation together, you were there...Being our "go-between", and doing all you could to keep intense anger and resentment from becoming an insurmountable obstacle between us.  And when he'd finally drank himself to death, you were there helping me to get through it, then helping me get past my anger at myself for letting him get to me so badly that we couldn't even enjoy his last few months of life together.
Like a rock, there you were...
...Thank you, Bro...
 
Then when you moved back up north, even though I was in a relationship with my lady by then and life was better and sweeter than it had been for some time, for the longest time, I felt like I had lost an arm or something...I'd turn to talk to you when I was stoned, and shit like that...Truth to tell, I'd have probably had an easier time getting used to a missing arm...I guess I always knew what a positive difference your friendship made in my life, but right then is when it really hit home with me.  I know I never lost your friendship, Bro, but I can't even find the words to describe how badly I missed you after that.
 
So now, I'll have the devil's own work to do to get over being so fucking angry at myself for not getting up off my ass and coming up to see you before I lost the best friend I ever had on this earth.
For not taking an opportunity to come up and tell you face to face how much I appreciate all the things you did for me and with me through the years...For not taking an opportunity to come up and see how the kids were doing, and to meet Peggy, although I know that if you loved the lady enough to marry her, she must be something very special.
 
So Bro,  just blast that ol' Pan right on through to the next life, like a bat out of hell...Ride right on up to the front door, and let'em know that it's gonna be nothing but "cool-shit" from here on out, cause "The Bad One" has arrived!  Let'em know that they'll be lucky enough to have you hang around, if the keg is cold, the women are hot, and the bowl is full...
 
Thank you, Bro, for all the great shit you did for me and with me over the years...Thank you for all the fun, grins, laughs, and for all the hell we raised together...And, thank you for letting me know what a real, true friend is...
 
Thank you for calling me "Bro"...And thank you for letting me call you "Bro", and, keep an eye and an ear out for that old, ugly, beat-up '45 of mine, Bro...I'll be along in a while...
 
Your Bro, forever,
 
Evil Ed.
 

I had one helluva hard time getting past the sense of loss I felt when Bad Bob died.  So I tried to bundle my feelings up in the above letter...It helped some.

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"Hopelessly lost, but making good time"...
Bad Bob Chesney 1979